II. The Flowered Body

As I have stated before, I struggle with an eating disorder. I'm not quite sure where I fall on the anamia scale- I've been trying to snap out of it, but recently had caught a stomach bug which has only been making things worse, as I was regurgitating. I'd like to state now that I'm not fat. I know I'm not fat, as I weigh <110lbs, which is considered a healthy weight gain from the 95lbs I was at two years ago. I feel much better in this body, but still struggle to maintain the weight I'm at (as in, not drop it) as I struggle to accept the weight itself. I really do believe that the birth control pills I take have aided me in my weight gain, as well as the fact that perhaps I was a bit of a late bloomer and am just filling out now. Either way, I'm afraid of going off of the pill now as silly as that might sound.

They say today that the average woman in America weighs about 145lbs and wears a size 12, with a 34 inch waist.  Statically the women here 100 years ago weighted about 119lbs, wore a size 8, with a 25 inch waist. Currently, I weigh about 10Xlbs, wear a size 0 or 2, and have a 25 inch waist. Which is tiny, I suppose. I'm most unhappy with my tummy to be honest as I feel like it's a bit pudgy, and my half crescent shape belly button only accents that chubbiness. The only time I've ever been happy with my stomach is when I was keeping a food journal a few months ago and dropped all carbs from my diet- my tummy was so flat! I felt so pretty! But when I started to get obsessive about everything that I ate and what I wrote down I decided to stop the diet. I'm slowly working (bad) carbs out again which seems like an easier thing to do this time around, as I'm simply not craving them as often as I used to. I think that part of my anxiety with food comes from the fact that I went hungry a lot as a child. I get uncomfortable if there isn't any food in the house. I tend to keep a few boxes of oatmeal and pasta on hand, along with lots of yogurt, farm eggs, cheese, fruits, and veggies. I might start making a weekly food/exercise journal on here, who knows.

Until next time.

-Honey.