II. The Flowered Body

As I have stated before, I struggle with an eating disorder. I'm not quite sure where I fall on the anamia scale- I've been trying to snap out of it, but recently had caught a stomach bug which has only been making things worse, as I was regurgitating. I'd like to state now that I'm not fat. I know I'm not fat, as I weigh <110lbs, which is considered a healthy weight gain from the 95lbs I was at two years ago. I feel much better in this body, but still struggle to maintain the weight I'm at (as in, not drop it) as I struggle to accept the weight itself. I really do believe that the birth control pills I take have aided me in my weight gain, as well as the fact that perhaps I was a bit of a late bloomer and am just filling out now. Either way, I'm afraid of going off of the pill now as silly as that might sound.

They say today that the average woman in America weighs about 145lbs and wears a size 12, with a 34 inch waist.  Statically the women here 100 years ago weighted about 119lbs, wore a size 8, with a 25 inch waist. Currently, I weigh about 10Xlbs, wear a size 0 or 2, and have a 25 inch waist. Which is tiny, I suppose. I'm most unhappy with my tummy to be honest as I feel like it's a bit pudgy, and my half crescent shape belly button only accents that chubbiness. The only time I've ever been happy with my stomach is when I was keeping a food journal a few months ago and dropped all carbs from my diet- my tummy was so flat! I felt so pretty! But when I started to get obsessive about everything that I ate and what I wrote down I decided to stop the diet. I'm slowly working (bad) carbs out again which seems like an easier thing to do this time around, as I'm simply not craving them as often as I used to. I think that part of my anxiety with food comes from the fact that I went hungry a lot as a child. I get uncomfortable if there isn't any food in the house. I tend to keep a few boxes of oatmeal and pasta on hand, along with lots of yogurt, farm eggs, cheese, fruits, and veggies. I might start making a weekly food/exercise journal on here, who knows.

Until next time.

-Honey.

About and First Posting.

This blog is a documentary about my relationship with my body and my on-going life changes. I wish to remain anonymous, as I will be writing about some rather controversial and personal topics. I'd like to get the basics out of the way, so here we go.

Hi! My name is Honey. I'm a 20-something year old female with an eating disorder and I suffer from (seemingly) life long depression. I am estranged from my family (biological, foster, and adoptive) due to abuse. I do not have health insurance for myself, nor am I a student or currently attending school. I work various jobs which I mostly detest, as they are often unfulfilling and thankless. I like flowers, particularly red roses,  and I like to bake pastries with lots of frosting and decorations on them. I like to draw steamy sex scenes featuring Alan Rickman. I really like cats, and sometimes will go down to the humane society to play with the older kitties that I know no one would be willing to adopt. 

My greatest goal in life: to backpack it around Asia one day.

My worst fear in life: to become an alcoholic.

-Honey